Your child throws a toy, draws on the wall or hits a younger sibling. You don't want to shout, and you certainly don't want to smack, but you can't pretend it didn't happen either. Many parents get stuck right here: if punishment is off the table, how do you teach your child anything? This article suggests ways to keep the rules at home without yelling or hitting.
Discipline means teaching, not hurting
The aim of discipline is for your child to do something different next time. A harsh punishment may stop them in the moment, but it often fails to teach that:
- Children learn how not to get caught, rather than how to do the right thing. They may hide things, tell lies, or only behave when you are watching.
- They remember the fear more than the lesson. When children are scared or upset, it is hard for them to think about what they did wrong.
- They copy how adults handle anger. If parents shout or hit when they are cross, children are more likely to do the same to friends and siblings.
Dropping punishment does not mean dropping rules. Your child still needs to know where the limits are. Only the way you hold those limits changes.
Few rules, said in advance, phrased as what to do
Most discipline happens before anything goes wrong.
- Keep the rules few: three or four that matter most, such as "keep yourself and others safe", "tidy up after playing" and "use a gentle voice indoors".
- Say what to do: "We draw on paper" is easier to follow than "Don't draw on the wall".
- Say beforehand what will happen: "Any toy that gets thrown goes on the shelf until tomorrow." When children know in advance, the outcome doesn't feel sudden or unfair.
- For younger children, you can draw the rules as pictures and stick them where they will see them often.
Consequences linked to what your child did
When your child still breaks a rule, replace punishment with a consequence: something that follows directly from what they just did, fits their age, and is said in an ordinary tone of voice.
| What your child did | Unrelated punishment | Related consequence |
|---|---|---|
| Threw a toy | Told off, no cartoons | That toy goes on the shelf until tomorrow |
| Drew on the wall | A smack on the hand | Cleans the marks off together with you |
| Won't tidy up the toys | Shouted at, threatened with throwing toys away | Untidied toys wait; play carries on once the first lot is put away |
| Spilled water while messing about | Scolded for being "so clumsy" | Gets a cloth and wipes it up |
| Hit a sibling over a toy | Hit back "so they know how it feels" | The two are separated for a moment, then your child asks if their sibling is OK and you work out turns together |
| Went over the agreed screen time | No screens for a month | Tomorrow's time is shortened by exactly the extra minutes |
A good consequence usually has three things: it is linked to what just happened, it does not shame your child, and it is no heavier than needed for them to remember.
Let your child put things right
For many situations, the best way to teach is to let your child make amends:
- Knocked down a friend's tower? Help them build it again.
- Said something that upset a sibling? Ask what would help them feel better.
- Made a mess of the living room? Tidy it up, with you helping if they are young.
Putting things right shows children they can do something good after a mistake, instead of only seeing themselves as naughty. Don't force a "sorry" while they are still angry; wait until they are calm, then think together about how to make up.
Consistent and calm
Rules only work when they are kept steadily.
- The same every time. If something is let go today and punished harshly tomorrow, it is hard for your child to know what the real rule is.
- The adults at home agree with each other. Talk it over in private if you don't agree yet, and don't argue about it in front of your child.
- Few words. State the consequence once and follow through; there is no need for a long lecture.
- When you are too angry, postpone: "I'm feeling cross. Let's talk about this in ten minutes." Postponing is not letting it go.
- Afterwards, reconnect: a hug, or "I still love you. I just don't agree with what you did."
If your child often hurts others, or these approaches don't help after a while, talk to their teacher or a professional to find what suits your child.
In short
- Discipline is teaching your child to act differently next time, without making them hurt or afraid.
- Keep rules few, say what to do, and say beforehand what will happen.
- Replace punishment with consequences linked to what your child did, and let them put right what they caused.
- Keep rules steady, use few words, stay calm, and reconnect with your child afterwards.
Read more: You shouted at your child: how to calm down and make up