Your child finishes a tower, solves a puzzle, writes a whole page. The words that come out fastest are usually "Well done, you're so clever!" There's nothing wrong with sharing their joy. But praise does more than make children happy: it tells them what you value. This article looks at how to praise so that your child wants to keep trying, even when things get hard, and offers specific phrases you can use straight away.
Praising the person vs praising the work
There are two very different kinds of praise:
- Praising the person: "You're so smart", "You're a math genius". The praise is about something your child is.
- Praising the work: "You tried three ways before it worked", "You coloured right up to the lines". The praise is about something your child did.
The first kind sounds warm, but it can teach children that being "smart" is something you either have or don't. When a hard problem comes along, they may worry that getting it wrong means they're not smart after all, and pick the easy task to be safe. The second kind shows children that results come from what they do: sticking with it, changing approach, checking again. Those are things they can do again next time.
Be specific: say what your child actually did
The most useful praise is descriptive. Simply say what you noticed, as clearly as you can.
| Instead of | Try saying |
|---|---|
| "Great job!" | "You put the big blocks at the bottom and the small ones on top, so the tower stays up." |
| "Beautiful!" | "You used three colours for the sky. It looks like a sunset." |
| "So clever!" | "It didn't work the first time, so you tried another way and found it." |
| "Well done." | "You read your work again and fixed two mistakes yourself." |
| "Good girl / good boy." | "You put the toys back in the right boxes without being reminded." |
Specific praise has another benefit: your child knows exactly what is worth doing again. "Great job" tells them nothing new; "you tried another way when the first one didn't work" does.
Praise the process, not just the result
Children don't always get it right. Praise for the process works even when the result isn't there yet:
- Effort: "You stayed with that puzzle for a long time and didn't give up."
- Strategy: "You counted one row at a time, so you didn't miss any."
- Progress: "Last week you needed help with this part. Today you did it on your own."
- Choices: "You chose to do the hard one first. That was brave."
Praising effort doesn't mean praising for the sake of it. If your child rushed through, don't say "you worked so hard". Children can tell when praise isn't true, and it loses its value. Instead you could ask: "Which part do you think you could do more carefully?"
Small traps to avoid
- Praise with a comparison. "You're better than your friend" turns attention to winning and losing. Compare your child with their own yesterday.
- Praise followed by "but". "That's lovely, but…" means your child only remembers the second half. Keep praise and feedback for different moments.
- Praising everything. Constant praise for every small thing can lead children to do things just for the praise. Sometimes it's enough to sit and watch, then ask: "Can you tell me how you did that?"
- Praise as a push. "You're so good at this, now finish the rest" turns praise into pressure. Praise should follow what your child has done.
Help your child see their own success
The longer-term goal is for your child to notice their own good work, not just wait for an adult to say it.
- Ask rather than judge. "Which part of the picture do you like best?" "Which question was hardest, and how did you still manage it?"
- Let them explain. When children talk you through how they did something, they look back at their own work.
- Keep a few samples. A drawing, a photo of a tower. Look at them again a few weeks later: your child will see their own progress.
If your child uses Dologi, the "Last 7 days" report in the parent area shows how many puzzles they did over the past week and their level in each topic. It makes good material for specific praise: "You did a lot of puzzles this week. Which one made you think the longest?"
In short
- Praise what your child did (effort, strategy, progress) rather than calling them "smart" or "clever".
- The best praise is descriptive: say exactly what you saw your child do.
- Avoid praise with comparisons, praise followed by "but", praise as a push, and praise that isn't true.
- Ask questions so your child can notice for themselves what they did well.
Read more: When your child gives up on hard problems: helping children keep trying and not fear mistakes