"I don't know": helping children dare to have a go at an answer

"What did you learn today?" "I don't know." "What do you think happens next?" "I don't know." For some children, these three words are the answer to almost everything, including questions you're fairly sure they could answer. It can be frustrating, but "I don't know" is rarely the end of the story. Often it means "I'm not sure yet", "I don't want to be wrong" or "I need a moment". This article looks at what the answer can mean and how to help your child dare to have a go.

What "I don't know" can mean

The same three words can hide very different things:

"I really don't know." That's honest and fine.
"I'm afraid of being wrong." Some children would rather say nothing than give a wrong answer.
"I need more time." Many children need a few seconds to collect their thoughts, and adults often move on before they're ready.
"The question is too big." "How was your day?" covers hours of events. Where do you even start?
"I'm tired" or "I don't want to talk right now." Also a real answer.

Watching when your child says it, and to which questions, often tells you which one it is.

Give thinking time

Adults often wait only a moment before rephrasing the question, giving a hint or answering it themselves. Try waiting longer.

Count silently to five or ten after asking. It feels long, but it's often exactly when the answer arrives.
Say it out loud: "Take your time. I'll wait." This takes away the pressure to answer instantly.
Let them think with their hands: drawing, pointing or using objects can help a child get started before the words come.

Make guessing safe

Children who are afraid of being wrong need to see that a guess is welcome.

Ask for a guess, not the answer. "What's your best guess?" or "If you had to choose, what would you say?" feel much safer than "What's the answer?"
Say when there's no wrong answer. "There's no right or wrong here. I just want to hear what you think."
React to a wrong guess with curiosity. "Interesting! What made you think that?" Often the reasoning is good even when the answer isn't.
Praise the try. "I like that you had a go" tells your child that trying is what counts.

Make the question smaller

If a question is too big, break it down.

Offer choices. Instead of "How was school?", try "Did you play inside or outside today?"
Start with what they know. "Who did you sit next to at lunch?" is easier than "What happened today?"
Ask about one thing. "What was the funniest thing that happened?" or "What was the hardest part of the puzzle?"
Give a starting point. "I think the boy in the story looks worried. What do you think?"

Show that adults don't always know either

Say "I don't know" yourself, then do something with it. "I'm not sure. Let's find out together" shows that not knowing is the start of learning, not a failure.
Think out loud. "Hmm, maybe it's this… no, wait, because…" lets your child hear what guessing and checking sound like.

Accept it sometimes

Not every "I don't know" needs to be turned into a lesson. After a long day, a child may simply not want to talk. Say "OK, maybe later" and try again at a calmer moment, such as on a walk or at bedtime.

In Dologi, the hint button gives your child something to do instead of getting stuck: the first tap shows a small clue, and more help comes only if they ask again. It turns "I don't know" into "Let me look at it again".

In short

"I don't know" can mean "I'm not sure", "I'm afraid of being wrong", "I need time" or "The question is too big".
Wait longer after asking, and tell your child they can take their time.
Ask for a best guess, react to wrong guesses with curiosity, and praise the try.
Make questions smaller, show that you don't always know either, and sometimes just let it go.